Thursday, January 19, 2012

Being married to an Aspie in denial

I believe that coming to the understanding that my husband has Aspergers, even if he will not accept it or seek an official diagnosis, has improved my marriage exponentially and may have even saved it.  It explains so much.  Like how when I kissed him on our first date and he was stiff and awkward because, as he explained afterward, that, while he enjoyed it, he was wanting the next girl that he kissed to be "the one!"  Or how I can get ready faster than him because he HAS to do everything and in order or his day just doesn't start out right even if that means waking up at 5am in order to get it done.  He also can't tell how much I love him or am attracted to him.  I practically have to say the words "I want to have sex!" in order for him to be sure!

It is not all bad though.  I enjoy a level of commitment and consistency that is very enviable, I think.  He is a fabulous shopper.  He can and will research any product to death to find the best product at the best price.  He is extremely tidy and organized, which from what I'm told, is not typical of most husbands.  He is the one with the walk-in closet because he needs all the room in order to keep everything organized by color, kind etc.  He once tried to organize my drawers and closet and was really frustrated that I wasn't more appreciative and got upset that I didn't keep it up.  I like the shove and stash method much better.  Much quicker.

I just finished reading a book by David Finch entitled "The Journal of Best Practices," in which after only five years of marriage, he is diagnosed with Aspergers and then sets off on an obsession-level quest to save his marriage by improving himself.  I don't have the luxury, if you can call it that, of a husband who is formally diagnosed and is willing to change himself.  Nothing has really changed in my marriage since my "revelation" except that I can be more accommodating and understanding.  It is like that old adage that the only thing you can change is yourself.  Thanks to my greater understanding on how to help my kids, I am able also apply that to my "biggest child" (don't tell him I said that :) ). 

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